"Gender & Other Viruses [Venditto’s 1999 study of Billy-George and Certeau’s 1992 discussion of 4th-6th century discussion of ecclesiastical transvestitism]" -- Farley Upjohn
Am I myself? Are we myself? Or parody, or parody of parody’s tough realms, selves that
glance the other over shoulders’ evaluations, vanity’s dumb fool, holy fool, fish-eyed fool?
Like monk Simeon [*] I raise my skirts, disrupt liturgies, ride whores’ backs who flog me, I am grateful, I play the world along.
Madness isolates me in a crowd idiocy my confining cell in crowds that fear yet hope for meaning in my madness, yet no — I am no nostalgic absence. I play the world along.
For though fluxes hemorrhage beyond changes’ bodies’ borders chaos has its rules too, so —
and cursed by that knowing, I am no salos, holy fool. I mark by my banality conveyance’s evacuation
—what I mean is I don’t mean anything, so diagnose me.
“...My body went into Ketosis sometime Friday; Like I can’t really sleep well anyway but lately it’s like I’m some sort of polyphasic animal waking every 2 to 4 hours for no apparent reason and even though I’m a little too hyper aware of the smell of my breath i could tell it was worse than usual for more often than normal and according to google, those are some signs.
And shit I’m not invested enough to go out and buy some blood test kit Just to confirm the hypothesis rather I’ll continue to insist that being inside this body makes me the ultimate authority on the matter and per usual my mind started to wonder why I relate too much to characters in movies like Forest Gump
and to things that don’t actually seem to exist in the world but I digress
In that moment I needed to leave, to walk the streets 8 shots of tequila deep and pissed the fuck off from the lack of human decency that seemingly continues to swallow me up like I’m charging into the fucking ocean with a pocket knife and unaware that you can’t cut water and Wilhelm Scream has a song called The Rip and at the end of the verse Trevor Reilly screams in defiance
‘It’s us against millions, And we can’t take em all, But we can take them on ‘
And in writing that down I still feel the tingling presence of my god complex resting just below the surface waiting to step to anything foolish enough to try and take something from someone who doesn’t have any faith left to lose in anyone still breathing
i mean, It all just seems so god damn pointless
So I guess it’s no wonder I felt the urge to exit with a quickness Drunk or not I didn’t give a shit about the distance Just pissed off and needing the type of quiet that only a long walk alone with your thoughts can provide and later I learned that google also says Choo Choo’s is 2 miles from my house but in hindsight the journey felt longer like the time slowed and maybe it does when you’re trapped in your mind trying to find out how you landed in a world you just don’t belong to
All that shit was just too heavy for me to sit with and since I needed something to eat I stopped in a gas station about midway to my destination and grabbed a Gatorade and a protein bar and walked erratically toward the register where I encountered the only other people in the place
A clerk and what was maybe his girlfriend, Or soon to be ex or perhaps they were on the brink of a breakthrough and a reunion weighed in the balance and i guess it was just chance that I’d be forced to interrupt what seemed like a disagreement and I can’t remember what exactly invited me in but I felt compelled to send whatever slapped together syllables I’d somehow spun together to weigh in on the matter and I guess whatever I said didn’t sit well with the chick so I stood awkward suspended in the silence And when prompted, I paid for my goods and and walked toward the exit
and as I found the door I stopped again Looked back and said Listen, For what it’s worth, You only get one shot, And I know I’d hate to be lying on my death bed with a head full of regrets about every day I ever spent trying to be anything but fucking happy And they just sat there, staring Unmoved by the moment And in that breath I found suddenly I understood movement And the need for feet moving forward Even if toward nowhere Or fucking nothing at all ”
